


A Nice Day Off

by make_your_own_world



Category: Supernatural, The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crossover, Fluff and Crack, Happy Murder Family, Knives, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:09:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22521541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/make_your_own_world/pseuds/make_your_own_world
Summary: Someone requested a Supernatural/The Umbrella Academy crossover, and it mutated into an extremely fluffy and cracky fic featuring all the boys' love of guns and knives. Enjoy them being dumbasses while the girls roll their eyes at them.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 5
Kudos: 153





	A Nice Day Off

Dean groans with frustration at the sight of a red hem turning the corner of the labyrinth he’s currently trapped in with his brother and Cas, with no way to call their backup, Jack, for help, because there’s no service in this goddamn maze.

First a trail of bodies with different organs cut out starting in, what a coincidence, the same town Sam and Dean were hunting a ghost in. But the mutilated people hadn’t stopped showing up in the hospital, even though they’d _definitely_ taken care of the ghost. Then there was a girl who’d had one of her eyes scooped out, claiming to only remember seeing the color red before she’d passed out again from the pain. The color red, and a weird shed in the woods behind the high school with strange markings on the door.

The shed hadn’t been hard to find. It’d been even easier to find with the obvious bloody trail leading up to the door where, of course, Cas had identified the markings as Satanic.

Then, because they’re all dumbasses, Sam, Dean, and Cas stepped into the shed, and Dean hasn’t seen his brother since.

The shed, which had appeared to be smaller than a regular motel room from the outside, turns out to have a humongous inside. There had been a trapdoor that led to a chute or something once they all stepped inside and Dean and Sam had gone down different sides.

(And yes, the only reason Cas stayed with Dean is because he was holding onto Dean’s jacket. Shut up.)

Then Dean had seen a figure in red running down whatever hallway they’d landed in and he’d taken off. No matter how fast he runs, the figure in red always seems to be one step ahead of him.

“Son of a _bitch_!” he finally yells, hitting the wall with the side of his fist with frustration. “Sammy!”

Sam doesn’t respond.

Dean swears some more, his hands on his knees as he tries to catch his breath. Cas, as usual, is unaffected by everything that Dean is affected by, which is, as usual, infuriating.

Dean looks up, ready to snap at Cas for being useless when it comes to finding his brother or catching the figure in red, but he sees the figure in red peering back around the corner.

_Oh._

This is a game of cat and mouse, and Dean’s not entirely confident he’s not the mouse.

“What do you want, you bitch?” he wheezes, standing up and groaning. He’s getting too old for this.

The figure in red flicks its head and for the first time Dean hears his brother’s voice.

_“Dean!”_ It sounds to be coming from behind the red figure.

“Sammy!” Dean bellows, cursing internally again before starting to jog again. He’s not entirely sure he wants to reach where the figure in red is leading him, but there’s also the chance that his brother is in trouble.

A giggle floats down the corridor and the figure in red whips away.

Dean is lost. Definitely. He’s lost count of the rights and the lefts he’s taken. It’s at least four more turns before he gets a better glimpse of the figure in red as the hallway opens up into a massive chamber with at least five other hallway entrances.

Basically, this was a maze. A massive underground maze. And now Sam, Dean, and Cas are in the middle of it.

“Sammy!” Dean barks when he sees his brother on the opposite side of the room. He doesn’t look injured, but still—“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Dean,” Sam replies. “You’re fine, right? And you, Cas?”

Both men nod their heads.

The figure in red lowers its hood and Dean recognizes who it is.

Because of course it’s Rowena.

“What are you doing here?” he spits. _Witches._ “Why’d you lead us in a wild goose chase in a maze? Wait—you’re the reason for all the mutilations, aren’t you?”

“Of course,” the witch laughs. “But don’t worry. They’re all alive, correct? I left them at the hospital after retrieving what I wanted from them.” She winks over her shoulder at Sam. “You boys must be rubbing off on me.”

“So this was all for a spell?” Dean asks, moving to step forward but stopping as if he’s been tethered to a brick wall. He looks back and sees that Cas has a hold of the back of his jacket. He shrugs. It’s a valid point; Rowena is a wild card if they’ve ever met one. It’s better to be cautious and not get within reach of her to hex them or spew bodily fluids.

“Yes,” Rowena answers briskly. “I need to pop into another dimension quickly and get another ingredient for a spell I’m working on that will help you with whatever apocalypse the three of you have started.”

Dean scowls. Well, yes, there is (but only sort of) a looming apocalypse on the horizon, but she wasn’t supposed to know about that. “Why? What’s in it for you?”

“Your enemies have a price on my head,” she replies. “While you three seem to have a knack for escaping the clutches of death, I’d prefer not to have to create another charm to prevent me from the unpleasant sensation. It can be quite painful to die, even if I survive.”

Dean looks at Sam as the witch starts to chant, and he shrugs. He’s always had a soft spot for the witch, but Dean doesn’t know why. He takes small solace in the fact that Sam’s here, and if worst comes to worst he’ll be the one to end the witch once and for all. Somehow.

“Then why did you lure us down this labyrinth?” Cas asks.

Rowena says a final word and a crack splits the silence, followed by a white light that splits the air. “I have no idea what’s in this new dimension. I quite wanted protection, seeing as how our best interests align in this endeavor.”

Dean can’t argue with that sound logic. He examines what must be the portal suspiciously.

“That’s not any spell we’ve seen before,” Sam points out.

Rowena waves her hand airily. “I made a new one that’s much more convenient. No more pesky one-in-a-million ingredients. Just a few human body parts and some common herbs. Simple, if you’ve got enough talent. It’ll last for eight hours.” She winks at Sam. “Are you boys ready?”

“Hold on a sec,” Sam mutters. He fishes his phone out of his pocket. “Should probably give Jack a heads-up.” He scowls. “No service.”

“Great,” Dean gripes. Poor kid’s gonna be confused and worried for hours on end before they get back. “Let’s make this trip as quick as possible, then.”

Cas grips Dean’s hand (shut up, Sam) and Sam grabs the hem of Dean’s jacket as Dean uses his free hand to grip the shoulder of Sam’s jacket. No more taking any chances of going down different chutes. In a line, they follow Rowena into the blinding light…

And into an empty room.

Sam spins on his heel, taking in the area, and Dean looks up. A massive steel chandelier hangs from the ceiling of what must be a mansion, judging by the size of the foyer and the many rooms that look to branch off of it.

“Ah, civilization,” Rowena says, pleased. She straightens her already-straight dress and pats her hair. “Perfect.”

“Where are we?” Cas asks, frowning. “I can’t sense any of my brothers and sisters.”

“We must have landed in a universe without heaven,” Sam exhales. “Remember Jared Padalecki? And Supernatural?”

“And Jensen Ackles,” Dean acknowledges, nodding. “Sorry, Cas, but looks like you’re outta grace for the moment.”

Cas looks at his hands, frowning.

Something hurtles through the air and buries itself into Cas’s chest. A knife. Fuck. Will that hurt him, even though he’s an angel, but he doesn’t have any powers here, but does that just apply to grace and wings or—

“Sam, is he okay?” Dean asks tersely, holding up his gun in the direction the knife had come from. He sees a pair of eyes glint and adjusts accordingly.

Something flashes behind him and the clicking of a safety near his ear makes Dean’s blood run cold.

“Don’t even try it,” Sam growls. Dean knows that he’s got his gun pointed at whoever’s pointing one at him.

“Or what?” the person hisses through gritted teeth. “You’ll shoot me?”

“Yes,” Sam replies resolutely. It must surprise him.

“I’m fine,” Cas groans, on the ground and not sounding very fine. “I suppose our questions were answered. I am still unable to be killed except by my—”

“Shh,” Dean hisses, not wanting to give their attackers any ideas.

“We must have gotten off on the wrong foot,” Rowena calls, her voice lilting in the dusty air. “We didn’t mean to end up in your house.”

“Really?” an unfamiliar voice snarls behind Dean. “What’s that light?”

“What are they talking about, Five?” a deep, grating voice asks.

“Does it look like _I_ know?” the voice snaps back. It’s the voice of a _kid_. “They came through a light in the middle of our foyer. Do _I_ have any experience with that sort of stuff?”

“Uh… yes,” another person points out.

“Fair enough,” the kid admits.

“Sam, is there a preteen holding a gun to my head right now?” Dean asks, rolling his eyes.

Sam can’t keep the snicker out of his voice, even though he knows this is a serious situation. “Yep.”

“Look,” Dean starts, “I’m sure if we all put down our weapons, we can sort something out.”

The preteen snorts. “I’m not about to compromise to some robbers breaking into our house.”

“Buddy, you’re not gonna be involved in the conversation,” Sam retorts. “The adults are gonna handle this one.”

Cas sighs. There’s movement at Dean’s feet—undoubtedly he’s standing up—and two gunshots.

Dean winces.

“Fine, fine,” Cas grumbles. Dean whirls just in time to see Sam knock the gun out of the stunned preteen boy’s hands.

“What the hell are you?” the boy whispers.

“Five?” a new voice asks. “What the hell is going on?”

Something flashes and Dean chances a look behind himself. _Fuck._ It’s Jack, stumbling out of the portal. How he’d known to go inside the shed, find the middle of the maze, and jump through the portal, Dean doesn’t know.

“Hello!” Jack beams at his three dads and then at the six people trickling into the room. “It’s nice to meet you!”

“He’s got powers too!” a man holding a throwing knife marvels. Undoubtedly he’s the one that threw it at Cas’s chest. “But he’s not our age.”

“Like I said,” Dean repeats. “I’m sure we can work something out.”

* * *

Rowena left the boys to deal with the five adults and one bloodthirsty preteen, citing the need to find whatever ingredient that exists in this universe and not in their own.

There’s a monstrous man called Luther (who is very white), and the man dressed in black leather that had thrown a knife at Cas is called Diego (who is definitely not white, probably Mexican). He marvels at how Cas survived the knife to the chest as well as two bullet wounds, even going so far as insisting that he take off his shirt to prove he doesn’t have a bulletproof vest on.

Dean hadn’t liked them all marveling over the angel’s surprisingly toned chest.

Then there’s a lady named Allison (who is African-American) and another lady called Vanya (who is white). The preteen boy is called Five, and he’s definitely at least part not-Caucasian.

And they all claim to be siblings.

Dean puzzles over that for five seconds before remembering that adoption is a thing. The jump to another reality must have scrambled his brains again.

“This is my older brother, Dean,” Sam introduces. “This is Cas, Dean’s boyfr—”

Cas clears his throat. He knows that Dean still isn’t comfortable with people knowing about their… relationship.

“Well, he’s an angel. And this is our son, Jack, who is half-archangel,” Sam finishes.

“He’s… all three of you’s son?” Vanya asks, and, despite the bad grammar, Sam nods.

“Adopted,” Dean adds. “Technically, he’s Lucifer’s son. But Lucifer’s a major dick that tortured my brother for about a thousand years, and the kid isn’t stupid, so he stays with us.”

Jack preens at being called not stupid, which is kind of a low bar. Maybe Dean should compliment the kid more. No, scratch that, he should _definitely_ compliment the kid more. God knows Dean would’ve liked a little more appreciation for taking care of Sammy when he was younger from John. “I killed Lucifer for hurting Sam,” he adds angelically. “He wasn’t very nice.”

Sam reaches out and pats Jack’s knee. “We’re all very proud of you, Jack.”

“Lucifer?” Luther repeats. “Uh…”

“Oh, yeah,” Dean adds. “You guys don’t have God in this universe.”

“We have Christianity,” Allison says, a little defensively.

“Wait,” Sam yelps. “He’s—” He points at Five, who is definitely at the most fifteen years old, and currently drinking a margarita. Judging by the ingredients on the counter, it is most definitely _not_ non-alcoholic.

“That’s a long story,” Diego sighs.

“We could take turns?” Jack suggests.

* * *

At the end of it, everyone but Jack, who opts for a glass of chocolate milk, is drinking alcohol. Apparently his powers are still intact in this universe, maybe because he’s as powerful or more so than an archangel. That’s useful to know.

“So you’re all the same age,” Sam says for the third time. “Except for the kid, who is not actually a kid.”

Five nods. “58.”

“But for most of those years he was completely isolated and therefore not any more mature than a regular fifteen-year-old kid, only more murderous,” someone says singsong behind them. Dean jumps.

Five scowls. “That is so not true, asshole—”

“Ah, yes,” Allison sighs. “This is Klaus.”

“It is _definitely_ true,” Klaus argues back, taking the margarita out of Five’s hands and drinking the rest of it in one gulp. “He’s feral. All teenage boys are feral.”

“He’s also your sibling?” Cas checks.

“Don’t ask about his power,” Diego mutters. “It’s a sensitive topic.”

“I am not _feral_!” Five sputters. With a flash of blue light, he disappears and reappears in front of Klaus, hands on his hips.

“Uh-huh,” Klaus nods, sidestepping him. “How could you have grown up without other people?”

“I had Dolores!” Five snarls, pulling a handgun out of his pocket and pointing it at his brother. Klaus seems unbothered. He pulls two bottles of whiskey from the shelf of alcohol and tosses the other behind his back. Five disappears and reappears, catching the bottle with a huff and stowing the gun. Apparently all is forgiven.

“Ah…” Allison starts, looking pained. “I suppose it’s no use to remind you that we don’t point guns at our siblings.”

“This is a regular occurrence, yes?” Castiel asks.

“Unfortunately,” Vanya answers, wearing an identical expression of consternation.

Cas points at Dean. “You shouldn’t be too worried. Sam and Dean have died multiple times. One time Sam even killed him. They turned out fine.”

Sam winces at that comment.

“It’s fine, Sam,” Dean says automatically. He doesn’t even remember Sam killing him during that one time Gabriel decided to be an even bigger dick than normal. “Don’t even remember it.”

“I’m sorry, _what_?” Five blurts out, staring at the grown men with new respect.

“They never even agree to not bring weapons into the kitchen,” Cas continues.

“I know, right?” Allison exclaims. “Like, we’re all eating breakfast! Don’t clean your knives, _Diego_!” She gives her brother the stink eye.

“What if something happens?” Diego and Dean retort back in unison. They exchange startled looks.

“One time,” Jack adds, “Dean shot me in the back in a grocery store.” He then goes back to drinking his chocolate milk, content to listen to the conversation.

Luther opens his mouth to further ask about that statement but his younger/older sibling interrupts him. “No, no, I want to hear more about coming back to life,” Five insists, draping himself over a chair.

“Yeah,” Luther agrees, sending an uneasy look in Jack’s direction when the boy snaps his fingers and his glass of chocolate milk fills itself. “So Sam dies, and Dean sells his soul to bring him back. Then Dean dies and goes to hell, Cas saves him, and you’ve been saving the world ever since?”

Sam shrugs. “More or less.”

“And there’s another apocalypse,” Vanya says slowly. “And you’re stopping it by coming to our universe.”

Dean shrugs. “Rowena more or less made it so we had no choice.” He glances into the foyer, where the white light of the portal doesn’t waver.

Vanya nods and then nudges Diego with her elbow. Her brother groans and rolls his eyes but leans forward and holds a hand out to Cas. “Sorry for stabbing you, man. No hard feelings?”

Cas takes his hand, a mysterious half-smile playing on his lips. “Of course.”

Vanya clears her throat. “Five, apologize for shooting Castiel or I’m taking your gun.”

Five snorts. “So? I’ve got more.”

“How many more?” Luther asks.

“Not telling.”

“I heard a rumor,” Allison says teasingly, “that you told us how many guns you have.”

“Fifteen,” Five says promptly, then he scowls. “Bitch. I’m still not giving you them. Get your own.”

Klaus says out of the blue, “No, I will not!” He flushes when everyone turns to look at him. “Ben told me to tell Diego to throw a knife at Jack since it won’t hurt him either.”

Diego brightens at the idea and Sam leaps off of the couch, positioning himself between the murderous superpowered human and the half-archangel. “We still don’t know why the angel’s powers are working while there’s no heaven,” he says firmly. “We’re not risking any more injuries.”

“I could just cut him,” Diego wheedles. “Just to see if it makes a cut and then it heals or if nothing happens. Come on. We don’t know how angels work.”

Jack shrugs and Dean barks, “We’re not cutting Jack for a science experiment!”

Klaus claps. “We should do science experiments!” as if he hadn’t heard Dean at all.

And _that_ is how Dean finds himself in the courtyard of the Umbrella Academy mansion, torn between cheering for Cas and Luther as they compete to see who can lift the largest weight.

“It’s definitely going to be Cas,” Sam mutters. The Winchester brothers stand side-by-side in identical poses as they assess the experiments.

“Hey!” Allison yelps. “Luther, don’t you dare pick up my car! Dean, don’t encourage them!” The half-gorilla man sends her a sheepish look and shrugs at Cas.

Dean holds up his hands. “Like _I_ can control them, lady.”

Allison rolls her eyes. “Castiel, come over here real quick.”

Well, that’s done for the day, Dean supposes. He turns around to see Jack with a blindfold over his eyes disappearing and reappearing, apparently playing tag with Five while both boys use their teleportation powers.

A bright smile on his face, Jack disappears before Five’s even left and appears on top of the boy, sending both ageless kids tumbling to the ground, giggling.

“Scary,” Luther mutters at Dean’s side. “Never seen Five laugh before.”

Dean looks at him out of the corner of his eye. “You ever been able to not pick something up?”

“I’ve never tried a house or something like that, obviously,” Luther admits, rubbing his chin. “But I’ve never really found something that I haven’t been able to lift.”

“That’s so cool,” Dean admits, shaking his head.

“Yo, Winchester!” Diego yells, waving as both Winchesters whip their heads around. “Target practice!”

“You say you can’t miss a target, huh?” Sam asks, smirking.

Diego nods.

“Well, we can do that without having a superpower,” Dean brags, all in good nature of course, and the competition is on.

When it’s discovered that Sam and Dean really are as good as Diego from years of practice, they call Jack over to move the targets midair. This is where Diego smirks, as Sam and Dean do miss a few and he misses none, even when his knives flip over themselves, zip back and forth, and defy the laws of gravity as they fly through the air.

“I’m going to use the restroom,” Dean announces at one point. “Where—”

“Walk straight, go up the stairs, take your first left,” Luther directs. He claps Dean on the shoulder and sends him stumbling away, hissing as he rubs his shoulder. “Uh, sorry.”

Dean really didn’t mean to eavesdrop. He’s two steps up when he hears Castiel’s voice and realizes he’d gone inside and not come back out. Curious now, he follows the voices down a staircase and flattens himself against the wall near the doorway of what must be the kitchen, judging by the smell of food inside the room.

“—determined to throw himself into the line of fire,” Cas gripes.

“I know, right?” Vanya exclaims. “Five seems to think he’s invincible or something.”

“One time he told me he was fine after getting stabbed because he’s gotten stabbed before!”

Allison giggles. “Like you can build up an immunity to stab wounds.”

“It’s quite hard to protect someone with the survival instincts of a squirrel on crack cocaine,” Cas remarks. Dean’s face colors when he realizes that he’s walked in on a gossip session consisting of his boyfriend and the two exasperated siblings of some weird-ass people.

“He loves you though, right?” Allison asks. “I could see it in the way he looked at you.”

Dean’s face gets even hotter. He’s not a big fan of the ‘L’ word.

“We have a profound bond,” Cas replies simply. That’s always been enough for their relationship.

Dean sneaks back up the stairs, hoping they don’t hear his footsteps. When he reaches the foyer, Rowena steps into the building, looking entirely too pleased with herself.

“Did you get it?” he asks gruffly.

Rowena smiles. “Of course I did. Are you ready to go?”

“Uh…” Dean knows he has to get back to his universe. He has a responsibility to save the world, of course. But it was enjoyable to hear about other people’s crazy lives and be able to relax. He settles for gesturing for her to follow and he leads her out to the courtyard.

He and Rowena watch as Sam tries frantically to stop Five from cutting Jack’s arm, even as Jack holds his arm out and holds him in place.

“I’m fine,” Jack insists. “See?” Five pokes his skin with the tip of the knife, marveling when the skin opens but no blood runs out and it knits itself back together in mere seconds.

“That’s so cool,” Diego breathes, shaking his head.

“Hey!” Dean barks, making all the spectators jump. “What did I say? Did I say no cutting Jack open or did I say yes cutting Jack open?”

Sheepishly, Jack lets Sam go and shrugs at Five. “Is it time for us to go already, Miss Rowena?”

“I’m sorry, Jack, but yes,” she answers.

Every person in the courtyard slumps a little bit.

“Did I hear Rowena?” Cas asks behind Dean, making him jump. “Oh. I supposed it was you. Our time is nearly running out.”

“You guys are leaving?” Vanya asks, visibly disappointed.

“We have an apocalypse to prevent,” Sam explains, gesturing for Jack to follow him. Jack misunderstands the signal and takes Sam’s outstretched hand, startling him—but in a good way.

Rowena winks at the disappointed Five. “Yes, but once we’ve finished saving the world for the umpteenth time I don’t think it’ll be too hard to come visit again.”

Diego brightens. “And we can stab the angels more!”

“NO!”

* * *

“Ugh, I’m bored,” Five gripes, throwing himself backwards on the couch. “There’s nothing to do. No one to kill.” Disappointingly, the Temps Commission has stopped sending more agents after Five, probably realizing he thinks of them merely as dummies to practice his murder skills on.

“You could do your schoolwork,” Klaus informs him. Both brothers make faces immediately. “That was Ben,” he says hastily. “Not me. Don’t do your schoolwork.”

“Wasn’t going to anyway, but thanks,” Five grunts. Maybe if all the blood flow goes to his head he’ll pass out. That’d be a fun way to pass the time.

A loud crack echoes through the mansion, almost like a gunshot, and Five topples off the couch.

“Hello!” someone calls out. “Is anybody home?”

A wide smile stretches across Five’s face. _Finally. Someone to kill that can’t die._

“The Winchesters are back!”


End file.
